


If You Can't Be With the One You Love, Honey...

by InTheWind



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: F/F, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-27
Updated: 2015-10-27
Packaged: 2018-04-28 10:24:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,076
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5086993
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/InTheWind/pseuds/InTheWind
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>An alternate take on the "Rhodium Nights"/"Lost Reputation"/"Above Suspicion" trilogy.</p>
            </blockquote>





	If You Can't Be With the One You Love, Honey...

**Author's Note:**

> Spoilers for the season 13 finale/season 14 premiere. Also a brief mention of events from Conviction, which I haven't actually seen.

“And nobody knows how deep this thing goes?”

Olivia shrugged. It was a typical evening, and she'd just finished filling her girlfriend in on the latest developments in her far-from-typical case. “Delia seems to think she's got dirt on everybody—and Cassidy seems to believe her—but those pictures of Cragen have a completely innocuous explanation, just like Nick being alone with Carissa. Even when her lawyer Exley tried to intimidate me by mentioning my 'DA friend' I thought for sure he knew about us, but he was just talking about Haden.”

“Not that I want to be thinking about this, but you did have something with Haden,” Alex pointed out. She sipped her wine as if she were trying to remove a bad taste from her mouth.

“Yeah, but that was just a rebound thing,” Olivia replied dismissively. “I only slept with him to try and get over you, again, and if Delia really knew anything I think she would have known that. And really, if she's going to bust me for sleeping with a DA, which sounds like better blackmail material—a stupid fling, or a years-long relationship? I don't doubt that she's got her hooks in some powerful people, but honestly Alex, I think a lot of her all-powerful routine is an act.”

Alex didn't look convinced. “I hope so,” she said. “But just because she didn't lead with that doesn't mean she doesn't know. I think Cragen's right, Liv. You should be careful. We're all going to be walking on eggshells until this case is over.”

Olivia drained her own glass, quietly allowing the matter to drop. She hadn't invited Alex over to argue over a case, especially since Alex had transferred to out of the sex crimes bureau after their last split. Things between them were just getting good again. “Why don't we stop talking about work?” she finally suggested. “In fact,” she added, leaning in so that her lips brushed against Alex's as she spoke, “Why don't we stop talking at all?”

Hours later, Olivia was pulled from sleep by the buzzing of her phone. Still groggy, she couldn't get Alex's voice out of her head: “I love you, no matter what happens.” Had she really heard Alex whisper those words to her as she fell asleep, or was it a fragment of a dream she no longer remembered?

She could hear Alex in the shower as she began to wake up. Her phone continued buzzing, and Olivia groped around on the nightstand until she felt her fingers close around it. “Benson,” she answered mechanically.

Cragen's voice came through loud and clear, but she couldn't understand a word he was saying. She'd never heard the old man sound this unnerved.

“Captain?”

And all of a sudden, she began to understand exactly how far Delia's power stretched. She dressed quickly, nearly bumping into Alex as she came out of the bathroom.

“What's wrong?” Alex asked. “Did you get a call?”

“It's Cragen,” Olivia said by way of explanation, barely pausing for a goodbye kiss. “I'm sorry, honey. I have to go.”

“Be careful,” Alex called after her. “I love you.”

What followed was a nightmare beyond Olivia's wildest imagination. Cragen was arrested for Carissa Gibson's murder; Nick began spiraling out of control. In the midst of it all she came home one night to find Alex waiting for her, looking distressed.

“Hey,” Liv said, forgoing any pleasantries. “Something wrong?”

“Sit down,” Alex said. “There's something you need to know.”

“Okay...”

Olivia did as she was told, curling up on the couch while her girlfriend paced the living room. After a few seconds, Alex finally perched herself on the edge of the armchair.

“There's something I never told you about what happened when I got out of witness protection,” she started.

“You don't owe me any explanations about that,” Olivia assured her—a marked change from her opinion just a few years ago.

“Please, just let me get this out,” Alex said. “You know I wasn't really... myself... when I came back. I mean, I was finally Alex Cabot again, but I'd been so many different people that I wasn't sure who that was anymore. And I thought I needed to figure that out before I got into contact with you, or anyone from my old life... except I realize now that I was still looking to other people to define who I was.”

“Okay, well you must have felt really isolated. That's understandable under the circumstances,” Olivia responded. “But why bring it up now?”

Alex drew in a deep breath. “I've told you before that I was engaged—briefly—to some guy I barely knew. He was the type my mother would have approved of, and I was trying so hard to be who Alex Cabot was supposed to be, you know? Anyway, I ended up having an affair with my Deputy DA. It was stupid, and honestly I haven't even thought about it in years, but apparently he's one of Ganzel's clients.”

Olivia looked up sharply. “How did you find out about that?”

“Cutter came to see me,” Alex said, refusing to meet her gaze. “He said that in order to save his own ass, Jim is giving them everyone he possibly can... including me.”

“But how does that help him?” Olivia questioned. “Whatever went on between you two is going to look just as bad for him.”

Alex shook her head. “I was the bureau chief at the time. He was my subordinate. If he says that I pressured him...”

“Oh.” A sinking feeling rose in the pit of Olivia's stomach. “What are you going to do?”

This was the hard part. Alex finally looked up. “I have to resign, Liv. There's this job in Albany that I applied to after we broke up the last time, and they just got back to me with an offer. I didn't tell you before because I was planning on turning it down, but now? Cutter says the only way to protect my career is to go quietly, and I believe him.”

“So you're leaving?”

“I have to.”

“I know,” Liv said, holding back tears. She couldn't be angry, not this time. She knew it would kill Alex not to be a prosecutor just as it would kill her not to be a cop. They were both tied to their careers for the same reason: an insatiable need for justice that came before all else, including themselves. “When?”

“Tomorrow,” Alex answered. “I start on Monday, but I'll need a few days to get settled. I'm sorry, Liv. I'm so, so sorry.”

“Shh.” Olivia scooted over and leaned forward, taking Alex's hands in hers. “Don't, okay? It's okay. I know.”

“We can never seem to get it together, can we?” Alex asked. “I can never stay in one place long enough.”

“No,” Olivia replied. “But you know I'm always here when you get back.”

After their last night together, Olivia threw herself into the case with more fervor than ever before. It had cost her captain's freedom, her partner's reputation, and now the love of her life—she was out for blood. And when Cassidy was shot by a rookie cop, she realized that the destruction around her was caused by one of their own.

So when Cassidy said the job was the only thing she had, it struck a chord within her. She knew he'd grown harder over the years, had crossed lines she didn't want to imagine—but as she looked at him in that hospital bed all she saw was the sweet young kid she'd gone home with years earlier. She wanted to be the person she'd been back then; driven but not cynical, dedicated to her career but not to the exclusion of all else. She kissed him, and for a brief minute she was 29 again. He ran his thumb across her cheek and she thought maybe neither of them had changed much after all.

Olivia closed the case, but she couldn't resurrect all the casualties of the war between Delia and Ganzel. Cragen's career would never be the same; Nick had lost his family along with his trust in the squad; Alex was gone, again. When Harris told her to go home at the end of a long day, Liv found herself at Cassidy's door instead.

He didn't look entirely surprised to see her. “You make house calls now?” he teased as he let her in, leaving her to shut the door behind her as he hobbled back toward the living room.

“Just wanted to see how you were doing,” she said.

“Hey, I've never been better.”

There was an edge to his grin now that hadn't been there 13 years ago, but when he motioned for her to sit she didn't hesitate before joining him on the couch.

“I heard they dropped the charges against Cragen,” he said. “I gotta say, of all the people that got caught up in this, he was one of the few I really didn't want to see go down. He's a good guy.”

“The best,” she agreed.

“But you didn't come here to talk about Cragen, did you, Liv?”

She gave him a small, wistful smile. “No, I didn't.” After a pause, she continued, “What you said at the hospital, about the job being all we have... how do you deal with that? I just—I can remember when we both wanted so much more, and all of a sudden I'm looking around and wondering when that changed... if it changed.”

“I don't know,” he said. “I mean, what we do doesn't exactly line up with the wife, the house, and the two-point-five-kids kinda life, right? Can you imagine seeing what we see all day and then having to come home and make small talk about the PTA? I know some cops make it work for a while, but the more time I spend in this job the more I understand why the divorce rate's so high. Guess I just don't see the point anymore. Nobody understands what we do except other people who do what we do.”

“And that's got its own set of problems,” Olivia mused.

“I'm sorry about your girlfriend,” Brian said in a tone that suggested he truly meant it.

Olivia inhaled sharply. “You heard?”

He nodded. “It wasn't exactly a surprise, Liv. You do have a type.”

She glared at him. “I do not.”

“Sure you do,” he said with a teasing smile. “Cabot, Haden, Carmichael... shit, I should've gone to law school. I would've actually had a chance, back in the day.”

“You knew about Abbie?”

“Not at the time,” he admitted. “Made a hell of a lot of sense when I finally figured it out, though.”

“For whatever it's worth, there's a lot I wish I'd done differently,” she told him.

“Hey, I never held that against you,” he said. “Well, not for long, anyway.” There was his easy smile again, but his eyes held just the barest hint of pain. “Besides,” he added, “It's not like I don't have my share of regrets.”

Olivia nodded. “I'm sorry about Carissa.”

Brian shrugged and looked away. “I crossed a line with her. That's what you get in this job, you know?”

“And you just, what? Accept that and move on?”

He eyed her quizzically. “Yeah, sure. What else is there?”

“I don't know,” she sighed. “I just keep thinking there has to be something.”

He reached out, running his fingers through her hair. “I just keep thinking you were right thirteen years ago,” he said. “Don't get attached, don't get personal. Just have whatever fun you can before the job drags you back down again.”

She was about to protest that she'd never thought that way, not thirteen years ago and certainly not now, but he was pulling her closer and then her lips were on his and it felt so good she didn't want to say anything at all.

So maybe he had a point. Her best chance at real happiness, Alex, was gone—the job had taken her and it kept taking her, but Brian was here now and if the job had given her that much, well why the hell shouldn't she enjoy it?

God, he felt so good. He was right, she decided. Don't think, don't plan, just take what you can get.

Before the job drags you back down.


End file.
